Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Indian In the Cupboard

    On Omri's 8th birthday he's given a small wooden cupboard that his older brother found. Pretty strange thing to give to an 8 year old, but I guess it's better than the shitty hand made cards I give out that are made of color paper and glue glitter. So the kid get's the cupboard without a key..luckily his mother collects keys...kind of a strange hobby, but we'll keep moving. After trying 2 keys he finds one that works, and she goes on to explain that it was her grandmothers and it was basically the only thing she had to hand down...ah the far fetchedness of it all. Before going to bed the mother tells her son to put the indian toy that he also got for his birthday in the cupboard. 6 minutes in and the mother has not only explained the origin of the key to this magical cupboard, but has basically forced the plot to start moving...this movie wastes no time.

must resist stupid resident evil lock picking joke...
He wakes up the following morning to noises coming from the cupboard and opens it to discover a tiny Indian who sounds like he's speaking really bad Norwegian. The boy being curious and somewhat retarded reaches out to touch him and gets shanked. What did you expect to happen? If a goofy looking giant started trying to
touch me I'd scream rape. So after locking the indian back in the cupboard while he goes to school he comes back and discovers that it turned back into a toy. This throws him into a fit of depression until that night when he opens it up and has by far the stupidest conversation caught on film.
(video coming soon)
You find out that the indian is from 1761 and from the same tribe the boy was studying in history...god damnit movie. After the indian decides to stay in this new world the boy gives him tools to make a home, and accidetally kills an old indian toy. The indian reacts calmly until the kid says that he's never seen a dead person. This I guess pisses him off cause he realizes the kid is just a kid and no almighty god. They both agree to not bring anymore toys with souls into this world. Everything was going fine until his asshole friend comes over.
suprise buttsex
The kid shows his friend the little indian friend and how it all went down, then is called down stairs. He basically tells his friend "don't fucking mess with it" of course the friend swears and as soon as he leaves the room puts a toy cowboy in. The shittiest thing he did though was wait for him to come back to the
room to open it... basically just giving him a big fuck you as he opens up the cupboard.
what a douchebag
Of course the toy being a cowboy causes confrontation between him and the redskin. After both being taken to the kids school in a fanny pack...they begin to talk and become like friends. Other than the indian accidentally shooting the cowboy, the key getting lost, and the kids brothers rat escaping nothing else seems to happen. They go home to their world and the main character cries like a bitch.
oh thank god it's over
  Overall I didn't like the main character or his friend. Most of the acting was terrible and to
top it off the story kinda falls flat after about 15 minutes.
Although I grew up watching it...this shitfest gets
Rating: ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ (1 star)

25 comments:

  1. You know frankly for a movie from 1995 I would of expected better, Hell maybe this is the first movie after the high water mark when cinema started to generally suck.

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  2. That sounds like a pretty shit movie.
    How is it when you're high, though?

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  3. Haven't watched it high yet, but it's so bad that I don't think it'll be entertaining either way.

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  4. Looks interesting, will check it out

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  5. i'll have a watch of this when i get home

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  6. This movie sounds as bad as I remember it

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  8. Oh man... This brings back memories. I used to watch this all the time when I was a kid.
    Good job on the blog bro.

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  9. oh yeah, saw that too, it's really bad imo.

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  10. Man dude, I remember watching that. Hell my dad made me a replica of the cupboard with the key and got me the Indian too.

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  11. oh my god i saw this movie like 12 years ago, LOVED IT!

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  12. The hell is this.

    Will have to watch.

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  13. hahaha, that was a great movie, I fantasied that I put a barbie, or a playboy magazine. Now imagine those guys that collect anime figures, fuuuuu, I wanna have a magic key!!!
    I'M FOLLOWING YOU, BRO! =)

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