Skyscraper

So my friends decided to go see this shithole of a movie, and I decided I should at least give it a chance. 20 minutes in I realized I have to get new friends. 30 minutes a couple in the front row leaves. 50 minutes in I've gone slightly blind and realize the plot of the movie is "wouldn't it be cool if there were like aliens everywhere and they never died?". 1 hour in another couple leaves. An hour 20 in I contemplate suicide.

           So the story is the guy with a douchey goatee is old friends with Turkleton who is an actor...or a rapper I didn't really pay attention. Douchey goatee brings his preggers gf with him to L.A.. A massive birthday party ensues where they get plastered. The party dissipates and they all pass out. Aliens show up take a minor character then leave. They all flip shit and try to decide what to do. Douchestache decides he wants to get to a boat cause (not direct quote but close) "They aren't hanging out around the water". Everyone besides Turkleton thinks its a stupid idea, but if they decided to just hang around...it would have been a smart, but even more boring waste of film. They head outside, but of course there being a space invasion shit happens. They decide to go back into the building. More boring shit happens. They throw in a mexican dude to piss of douchestache every chance he gets. Seriously they're all sitting around and the mexican keeps pushing him around and telling him to "wake up". Oh I should probably clarify that douchestache has looked into the blue shiny light a couple times and now is strong and shit *sigh*.
       Around this time I think "If I kill myself now I might leave with some dignity." So douchestache and preggo decide to try and go on the roof and get saved by a helicopter after....THEY WATCH THE AIRFORCE TRY TO NUKE IT AND IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. 

game fucking over man

       Yep so that plan fails. They get sucked up but luckily for them it's taking twice as long and get to say they love eachother and all that shit. The whole planet is taken over and all the humans are gone inside the ships. They show how the unconscious mass of people are being turned into new aliens and when it comes to douchestache since he's been exposed a couple times to the light...he can control his now alien body. He finds preggers then credits. The credits are of douchestache (alien version) fighting the other aliens. A far more interesting idea....saved for still shots in the credits. FUCK. 
So the overall plot is weak as hell, but some of the CGI was pretty cool. You might as well just load a bowl and watch 'Independence Day'. 
 

Internet is down

Yep shit blows, but I'm house sitting for a friend that has interent so I'm BACK...for about a week lol. Will post in a bit about my fun experience watching 'Skyline'. Here's a little preview of what it will contain.

Show's you probably missed as a kid

The Tick

   I remember catching one episode and thought it was meh, but watching it recently realize that it's actually pretty hilarious. After hearing Patrick Warburton it's hard to imagine The tick having a different voice, and the guy playing Arthur is pretty good. Unfortunately it only got one season so you don't have that much to catch up on with this show.

Freaks & Geeks

         This show launched so many actors careers that it's surprising that it only lasted one season. The episodes basically go through every single experience that will happen when you go to high school. Most of those experience suck, but are funny when looking back on them :p.

Spaced

       Before Shaun of the dead and Hot Fuzz there was Spaced. I mean it was written and starred by Jessica Hynes and Simon Pegg so you know it's gonna be awesome. Oh not convinced yet? It also has Nick Frost. That should be enough for anyone.

Mystery Science Theater 3000

     You know that guy behind you at the movie theaters that won't shut the fuck up? Imagine you were watching a horrible movie and instead of being a dumb asshole the dude behind you is fucking hilarious and is making  the movie bearable. Yeah it's pretty fucking awesome.

New poll up

I was thinking of adding a little light music in the background to give it a certain feel, but don't know if this would annoy anybody. I've been to some websites and thought it was stupid of them to put music on it, yet others I thought it tied it together. So I'm asking yall (Sorry I'm a Texan you all sounds strange to me). Also this won't be my only post for todays so keep a look out for the new one in a bit. :)


P.s. If anyone knows how to make this blog look better contact me plox. :)

Due Date

If Planes, Trains & Automobiles was written today by the same guy, but he smoked pot and listened to one of Zach Galifianakis' stand up routines while writing then Due Date would be the byproduct. Robert Downey's character (Peter Highman) is s strung out architect who just wants to make it back to L.A. to see his wife give birth to their first child, but after meeting Ethan (Zach's character) a kind hearted idiot Peter is forced to drive across the country with the one person he doesn't want to ever see again.
Both actors fucking nailed the characters spot on. At points I couldn't stop laughing, and others I felt like I was tearing up. The jokes were timed perfectly and just the overall performance of them going back and forth was just great. The story was solid and the situations they get in are all plausible. The only thing I found my self not liking is the use of some of the best jokes in the trailers. After seeing it you can kinda see the jokes coming, but even that couldn't ruin this great film.



Rating:★★★★★(5 stars)

Slither

Ok what do you get when you add the monsters from Alien, The Thing, Silent hill 2, The Fly,and....Men in Black 2?

Lol awesome

         The premise of the movie is that a small meteorite lands in a Podunk town bringing along with it an advanced alien race that plans to take over the world and basically eat everything.
            The opening shot shows the main character Bill Pardy one of the few police officers in the town sitting in a cop car with Wally his colleague trying to pass the time by clocking how fast birds are flying and catching some z's while in the background the alien crash lands in the woods. I guess this shows how much they pay attention to what's going on.

"I can't believe I retire in 2 days"

"I sure hope nothing happens...."

  After the landing you see the town for what it is...an utter shithole filled with rednecks and a loud mouth mayor who you just know is going to be in the rest of the film as comedic relief.

 

 Next the love interest shows up as the always hot Elizabeth Banks and shes a teacher (thank you god). They make it obviously apparent that the kids jerk off to her.

  So after school lets out Bill wonders why he never hit that when he had the chance, and why she married some old dude.

  It cuts to that night where said old guy and Elizabeth are about to go to bed. He tries to put the moves on her and she doesn't feel like it. Of course being the guy between the hero and the hot chick in the movie he has to be an asshole and storms off to the bar. There he meets one of his ex's younger sister. They talk and she admits that even though she was 11 she wanted to screw him.

  They go off into the woods for some odd reason like finding an old engraving she did of a heart and their initials in the middle proving that she's was insane and obsessive. There they run into the alien and shit gets real. The first encounter was pretty awesome I have to admit.

"the fuck is that thing?"

"I have no clue, but obviously..."

"I have to poke it with a stick"

"oh shit"

 So the dumbass pokes it with a stick and gets infected. The woman he's with kinda watches as he writhes in pain, but lets him get up look around bewildered and walk off only before she asks "are you okay?". The fuck lady? Call the cops or an ambulance.
  The alien returns the guys home and hangs out in the basement for the night. The next morning he/it goes upstairs to find Elizabeth playing music and wanting to make up for the night before. Something between the old guys brain and the alien must have clicked at that moment cause he absorbs the old guys personality and memory and fucks her. The next morning she brags to another teacher that it was hot cause he was like a little boy discovering different parts of her body.

"he's never lasted 15 seconds before"

While Liz is bragging about the virgin sex she got Grant (oldguy) goes off and buys the whole meat section at Wal-Mart. When he get's home he soon finds out that his chest looks like a teenagers face was cheese grinded. He goes to kill his wife or something, but decides not too. Instead heads to the chick that he met in the bar that was obsessed with him. Liz is forced to go to some ball by herself where the hero is and they talk and dance and pretend like they aren't eventually gonna be together. Meanwhile Grant and whatsherface start to get it on and out shoots tentacles from his chest.

Tentacle porn....it's in stuff other than anime

They pump her full of eggs and she starts to go into convulsions. Liz comes home after the dance to find Grant looking like the fucking elephant man, and buys that it was a bee sting and that she need not worry. Grant goes off to feed the chick that he impregnated with his tentacles and feeds her some meat. While gone liz finds the door locked to the basement and discovers that it's covered with animal carcasses and meat. She phones the cops and before she could scream help Grant comes in and puts her in a choke hold with his new stretch armstrong arms. The cops show up in the nick of time and shoo grant off. Them not knowing what exactly they saw go about their daily lives. Come on movie....

  They soon figure out a pattern of where animals are going missing and stake out where they think it will attack next. They soon freak the fuck out when they see what has been killing all the animals and one of the top 10 coolest deaths happen.

 

       So the monster slithers off and they go chase it down. In the woods they find where the girl he impregnated/kidnapped  was being held. She ate so much that she became violet from willy wonkas chocolate factory. This part shows that her mind isn't really effected just that the aliens inside her have made her so hungry that she's anything and everything she can get her hands on. I guess the baby aliens use her as a host to grow and eventually burst out of not to take over.  

I think I woke up to this one night after drinking way too much.

I think this blog is long enough :\. I'll only finish this if requested.

The Indian In the Cupboard

    On Omri's 8th birthday he's given a small wooden cupboard that his older brother found. Pretty strange thing to give to an 8 year old, but I guess it's better than the shitty hand made cards I give out that are made of color paper and glue glitter. So the kid get's the cupboard without a key..luckily his mother collects keys...kind of a strange hobby, but we'll keep moving. After trying 2 keys he finds one that works, and she goes on to explain that it was her grandmothers and it was basically the only thing she had to hand down...ah the far fetchedness of it all. Before going to bed the mother tells her son to put the indian toy that he also got for his birthday in the cupboard. 6 minutes in and the mother has not only explained the origin of the key to this magical cupboard, but has basically forced the plot to start moving...this movie wastes no time.

must resist stupid resident evil lock picking joke...

He wakes up the following morning to noises coming from the cupboard and opens it to discover a tiny Indian who sounds like he's speaking really bad Norwegian. The boy being curious and somewhat retarded reaches out to touch him and gets shanked. What did you expect to happen? If a goofy looking giant started trying to
touch me I'd scream rape. So after locking the indian back in the cupboard while he goes to school he comes back and discovers that it turned back into a toy. This throws him into a fit of depression until that night when he opens it up and has by far the stupidest conversation caught on film.

(video coming soon)
You find out that the indian is from 1761 and from the same tribe the boy was studying in history...god damnit movie. After the indian decides to stay in this new world the boy gives him tools to make a home, and accidetally kills an old indian toy. The indian reacts calmly until the kid says that he's never seen a dead person. This I guess pisses him off cause he realizes the kid is just a kid and no almighty god. They both agree to not bring anymore toys with souls into this world. Everything was going fine until his asshole friend comes over.

suprise buttsex

The kid shows his friend the little indian friend and how it all went down, then is called down stairs. He basically tells his friend "don't fucking mess with it" of course the friend swears and as soon as he leaves the room puts a toy cowboy in. The shittiest thing he did though was wait for him to come back to the
room to open it... basically just giving him a big fuck you as he opens up the cupboard.

what a douchebag

Of course the toy being a cowboy causes confrontation between him and the redskin. After both being taken to the kids school in a fanny pack...they begin to talk and become like friends. Other than the indian accidentally shooting the cowboy, the key getting lost, and the kids brothers rat escaping nothing else seems to happen. They go home to their world and the main character cries like a bitch.

oh thank god it's over

  Overall I didn't like the main character or his friend. Most of the acting was terrible and to
top it off the story kinda falls flat after about 15 minutes.

Although I grew up watching it...this shitfest gets

Rating: ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ (1 star)